


Damage Control

by Leomund



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, I feel so valid right now, My brain and my heart, Pre-Relationship, Spoilers, Spoilers Episode 92, This is what happens when I get an idea in my head, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22389073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leomund/pseuds/Leomund
Summary: Caleb is forced to face what he feels, and what he intends to do about it.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett, Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 6
Kudos: 78





	1. Panic

**Author's Note:**

> So after watching Episode 92 last night, my brain was on fire, so when I woke up, I saw Lin and a few other people speculating about how Caleb might be acting for a little while and I went into a weird trance and now I have this work...? So thanks Lin and the whole Widojest server for sending me into a word hole that I woke up at 6 am to write.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after watching Episode 92 last night, my brain was on fire, so when I woke up, I saw Lin and a few other people speculating about how Caleb might be acting for a little while and I went into a weird trance and now I have this work...? So thanks Lin and the whole Widojest server for sending me into a word hole that I woke up at 6 am to write.

_ Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. _

Caleb knew the parameters of his own spell. He knew that a breeze couldn’t be blowing in from outside of his tiny hut. But with Yasha’s words echoing in his mind, and his back turned to the fire, he couldn’t help but feel his face get cold. He felt a brief pang of guilt for Yasha. He had been trying to comfort her, but the second the intimacy was a two way street, he panicked and hid. But that feeling was overshadowed.

_ “Do you love her?” _

Caleb felt himself cringe again, memories of chilly blue skin against his as she embraced him that night in Roshona. Though he considered himself collected, his temperament was far too fragile to deal with this. His whole body collapsed on itself as he felt his heart thump in his chest so hard that he wondered if the vibrations could be felt through the earth beneath them. 

_ Ok, Widogast, damage control. _

Yasha wouldn’t tell anyone. The two of them were too similar, and he felt that he could trust her with that much. She might talk to him about it again, he would need to come up with a story at that point. He would need to recite the story over and over again, make it real to himself. Just like a spell, he would be meticulous. 

If Yasha knows, who else does? Caduceus was perceptive almost to a fault. But perhaps he was too dense in matters of romance. Full glad he was that Clay had not been awake to notice this conversation, or he might have put the pieces together. 

Caleb systematically went through everyone of the Nein in his head. After all, if it was obvious to Yasha somehow, surely someone else must have noticed? Fjord? Unlikely. He didn’t even notice Jester’s obvious affection. Nott? Perhaps, but she has a lot else on her plate, he doubted that she’d be invested right this moment. Beauregard? Same thing, with the group now approaching her family home. Although Caleb sometimes noticed things from her that filled Caleb with….

_ No, Widogast. Push those down. That’s not for you. _

He chastised himself and moved to the person of interest. 

Jester. Is it possible she knows? Perhaps he had been too sweet to her lately, that would need amending. She giggles when he and Essik are brought up, maybe he could spend a little bit more time talking about him. If she knows, she’s likely to do something about it. That proactive part of her personality was a major factor of his attraction in the first place. Did she hear what he and Yasha were talking about? Did anyone? 

A thousand thousand questions barraged the wizard’s mind, whereas before he had been able to sink himself into Halas’ spell and the requisite equations. Distracting himself with work was Bren’s way out of trouble, too. He struggled to fall asleep, but at the very least, he could come up with a plan. 

He needed to keep her away. For her sake, and for his own. He couldn’t bear to accept this for himself, and he wanted Jester to have a chance with someone good for her. Fjord or Beau or anyone else. He felt preeminent pangs of guilt as he approached it like a spell, once more. Going over it again, and again, and again, and again, and again….


	2. Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beauregard figures something out.

Beau enjoyed the rain hitting the top of the tiny hut, the little droplets fizzling in an almost rhythmic tapping. Sleeping on mud was never fun, but at the very least they were farther away from her family’s home than they were a few days ago. The thought of her interactions made her cringe again. However, it also brought a slight chuckle to her face. 

_ Who have I become that I can just air all that shit in front of everyone? _

Beau felt a hand on her back and knew it was Jester, the chilling touch of her skin becoming so familiar to her that it hurt. She looked back with a pained smile. “Hey, Jes.”

“Hi, Beau. Can I sit with you for a little?”

“Sure. Not like i’m gonna sleep anyways.”

Jester sat herself down and laid her head on Beau’s shoulder. “It’s been a couple of days, how are you doing?”

Beau sighed. “I know, it’s just, it was kind of a lot, you know?” Beau lightly hit her own thigh. “It just gave me a lot to think about. That’s all.” She turned to Jester and beamed at her genuinely. “But it means a lot that you guys were there with me.”

Jester smiled back and reached an arm around to hug her. “Of course, Beau. That’s what family is for. Or what it’s supposed to be for, anyways.” The two shared a chuckle. 

“So what’s up? Don’t tell me you are staying up just to talk to me about my shitty family.”

Jester sucked in air, and let out a long, exasperated sigh. “Well, I mean, if you need to talk about it, then of course, I am here for you like always, Beau. But...no, not exactly.” Jester scraped the tip of her boot in the mud and dirt, tracing it back and forth into no picture in particular. “Beau, do you think Caleb hates me?”

Beau was taken aback by the line of questioning. “What? Of course he doesn’t. Do you think he would be constantly offering to take you home to see your mom if he hated you? I know the guy is damaged, but trust me, he hates himself a lot more than he could ever hate you.”  _ Noone could ever hate you.  _

Jester sighed again. “I know, I know, but, like…” she trailed off, clearly hesitant to talk about this. “He’s been really distant lately. Like he won’t talk to me, and before I had finally gotten him to go along with my jokes and now whenever I talk about dicks or something he just kinda walks off, all stone faced like he was in Rexxentrum. And before we left Xhorhas he was super duper sweet and prepared this spell to show me for Traveler Con and it was  _ so beautiful _ Beau, and-”

Beau felt a slight guilt rise in her gut as she listened to her talk about Caleb. First, Fjord, and now, this? But Beau’s feelings were scarcely stronger than a passing crush, and it was unfair to feel jealous. So she listened. “Well, have you tried talking to him about it?”

Jester paused. “Well, no, not exactly. Cuz, like, I don’t want to bother him about it if it’s nothing, you know? And I know he is probably beating himself up over the whole thing with Nott, so I don’t want him to feel responsible for me feeling like this too.” 

Beau gave it some earnest thought, stifling her impulse to manipulate. Had she never met Molly, maybe she would have come up with some lie to tell here. Maybe just enough to get Jester to stop looking in that direction, and start looking towards her. 

But Beau was different now. They were all different now. And her friend deserved the truth. 

“Look, he hasn’t said anything to me, but if you want my opinion...He’s self-centered. And I don’t mean that in a bad or selfish sort of way, but I like to think I know the guy pretty well by now. How he’s acting has everything to do with how he feels, and probably nothing to do with something you did or whatever.”

Jester stopped tracing her boot. “But...what if he got tired of me or is getting annoyed or-”

Beau squeezed Jester from the side. “Jes. Not one of us have ever gotten tired of you or your antics. If Caleb didn’t go running off when you drew dicks in his spellbook, I think that’s not the problem.” Beau started to feel sad at the way Jester tended to look for rejection under rocks. Everyone of the Nein had some sort of fucked up past, but Jester’s damage hit Beau in particular. 

“So then what do you think it is?” Jester asked, clearly stifling a slight sob

Beau pondered, putting her other hand to her face in thought. “Well, I don’t know. The guy is a lead box sometimes. If he doesn’t want something let out, he won’t let it out. But that sometimes makes him crack. So maybe,”  _ Oh, shit.  _ “..maybe he realized something that he feels like he shouldn’t tell you.”  _ Shit shit shit. _

Jester took in an excited gasp. “Do you think he’s in love with someone? Like, maybe when Nott kissed him he realized something? Or maybe something happened between him and Essik in the tower? Or-”

Beau put a finger to Jester’s lips. “The Cobalt Soul teaches people not to speculate based on nothing. You’ve got no evidence.” Beau cracked a smile. “So get some.” 

Jester smiled at Beau, raising her eyebrows. “Oh, I’ll get some alright.” 

Beau laughed and put her hand to Jester’s face, pushing her away like she imagined a sister would, and the two of them cracked up. 

“Look, I didn’t hear what they talked about, but on the way to my parent’s place, I heard him and Yasha talking. Maybe that has something to do with it?” 

Jester beamed at Beau, sending an arrow through her heart like always. “I’ll talk to Yasha, then. Thanks Beau. And I mean it, I am always here for you if you need to talk.”

Beau grinned as Jester gave her another hug and went back over to her designated sleeping bag. 

_ Alright, Widogast. Ball’s in your court now, buddy. Don’t fuck this up, I won’t give you another shot. _


	3. Curiosity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jester can't help herself.

The Nein had stopped to have lunch when Jester finally found a space to speak with Yasha alone. Caleb was reading, Beau and Fjord were working out, and Nott was helping Caduceus with lunch (much to Cad’s dismay). Yasha was wiping her sword clean, sitting on a turned over log, and Jester plopped down right next to her. 

“Hi, Yasha!” Jester said, blending the words together in an excitable cadence. 

“Hello, Jester. You seem cheery today.” 

“Well, I dunno, it’s a nice day since it stopped raining and we are going to totally kill this thing that cursed Nott and Traveler Con is coming up and now I get to talk to my friend Yasha!”

Yasha smiled a bit in that way Jester knew, like she was happy but there was so much else going on underneath. “Well I’m happy I get to talk to you, too, Jester.” 

“Yeah, well, I actually wanted to talk to you about something, actually. So I was talking with Beau and I was worried Caleb was ignoring me or hated me now or something and she mentioned that she overheard you two talking, but she didn’t know about what so I thought, ‘Hey, why not just go ask Yasha if she knows anything?’ before I go and bother Caleb about it so yeah.”   
  


Yasha’s eyes darted back and forth as Jester practically bounced in her seat while speaking. When she finally stopped, Yasha looked down, pretending to clean her sword. “Well, we talked about a few things. I asked him about how to deal with guilt, and regret…”

Jester wrapped her arms around Yasha’s waist. “But Yasha, none of what happened was your fault. You shouldn’t feel guilty about it.”

Yasha smiled weakly. “I know you think that, Jester, but it’s hard, you know? It’s like I didn’t know for sure who I was during that time. Was I Orphanmaker? Or was I still just trapped? I couldn’t tell, at least not all the time. And I still remember what I did…”

Jester squeezed her tightly. “I know it’s going to take a long time, but I promise that we’ll be with you every step of the way. I mean, look at how we helped Beau with her family, and Nott with her problems, and pretty soon every one of us will be happy!”

Yasha smiled into a grimace. “Well, anyways, we talked about that kind of stuff, so…”

“But, like,” Jester interrupted, “did he mention anything about me, or that he didn’t want to tell me something, or like that he was possibly in love with someone-”

Jester, still practically wrapped around Yasha, felt her tense up at the mention of love, prompting Jester to shoot up with stars in her eyes. “Oh. My. Gosh. Yasha. Who is Caleb in love with? Do you know? What did he say? Is it Nott? Is it Essik?” Jester gasped again. “Is it  _ you?”  _

Yasha turned away, her pale skin turning more pinkish. “It isn’t me, and even if it was, I don’t really swing that way, so..”

Jester chuckled, now dancing around Yasha trying to meet her gaze. “Come  _ onnnnn _ Yasha, you can’t dangle this in front of me and not tell me, you know it’s going to  _ kill  _ me, come on please!” 

Yasha finally stood up and let her sword clatter against the log, putting her hands on Jester’s shoulders to hold her in place, locking eyes with her. “Listen, Jester, I am glad that we can talk openly, but this is not something that I should talk about. You’ll have to ask Caleb yourself. I’m not going to out him, no matter how much you ask me.”

Jester looked down, feeling a shameful guilt rise in her. “Ok, no, you’re right Yasha, i’m sorry. I just got excited..” 

Yasha pulled Jester into a hug. “I know, Jester. It’s ok. If you want my opinion, it would do him some good to talk about it, anyways.”

Jester spoked, muffled by her face being pressed into Yasha’s abdomen. “You’ll still talk to me about other stuff, like if you’re hurting, right?”

Yasha chuckled, sending a warm vibration through her body to Jester’s. “Yes, I’ll still talk to you if i’m hurting, Jester.” 

Jester looked up with a bright smile at Yasha. “So are  _ yooou _ in love with anyone, Yasha?”

Yasha felt herself blush, suddenly conscious of where Beau was in their midday camp. “I wouldn’t say love but…” She met Jester’s gaze. “I’ll tell you if it becomes significant. Promise.” 

Jester raised her eyebrows and smirked. “Alright then, Yasha, you do you. Or, you know, anyone else who might want to.” With that, Jester chuckled and freed herself from Yasha’s thick embrace. 

As Jester walked over to the tree Caleb was reading under, her heart began to race in her chest. As insightful as Jester was, she felt that she would have been able to tell if she had guessed the right person, she would have been able to read it off Yasha. 

_ Then who could it be? _


	4. Confirmation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the pieces fall into place.

Caleb read over the same passage probably a dozen times. He had long ago finished this book, but he had hoped that any amount of reading would help to distract him. The last few days had been practically unbearable. Ironically enough, he felt that he had more control over his emotions and the expression thereof than almost any of his time with the Mighty Nein up until this point, and yet it was tearing him up from the inside. 

His feelings were bubbling. He knew it would come bursting out if he kept on like this. Perhaps after dealing with this hag for Nott, he could take a few days at Yussah’s tower. Maybe some time away would help him stifle this feeling-

“Hi Caleb! Whatcha reading?”

Caleb nearly fell over as Jester’s face passed into his periphery so close that it sent his thoughts spiraling. 

“I am just..doing some research.” He said, straightening himself and attempting to compose his thoughts. “I am busy, you shouldn’t startle me like that.” 

Jester plopped herself down next to him, prompting Caleb to defensively turn away. His movements were reactionary, though, and he accidentally turned the book he was reading towards Jester. 

“Caleb, that is smut. In fact, it’s that smut that I bought for you.” She raised her eyebrows again as he felt an all too familiar flush rise in his cheeks. “So you are doing  _ research _ huh? Is this cuz of what you talked to Yasha about the other night?” 

Caleb’s heart might have stopped in that moment. “Did you..hear that?”

Jester leaned in and rested her back against Caleb. “Well, no, but I talked to Beau and she mentioned that she heard that you two were talking but that she didn’t know what about so I went and talked to Yasha and most of it seemed pretty heavy but then I asked if you mentioned being in love with someone-”

Caleb stood up, dusting himself off and starting to put his books away as Jester fell over. He started to walk away from the group, his heart pounding in his ear. He knew it was futile, but he had to walk away at this second. 

“No, wait Caleb, she didn’t say who, and I just wanted to know.” He felt her hands grasp around his forearm. Not forcing him to stay with strength, but so softly that it broke his too-full heart. He halted, still faced away from her. 

“And anyways, I only asked because you have been ignoring me lately and I was just afraid that I did something bad or made you angry or if you were hurting or something, and then I talked to Yasha and I thought that maybe you were embarrassed or something and that you could talk to me.”

Caleb couldn’t speak. He would have sworn that he couldn’t breathe if he weren’t still standing there, his consciousness only serving to curse him at this moment. 

“Caleb..? Are you ok?”

Caleb gulped. “ _ Nein. _ ”

Jester pulled him by his arm and hugged him. “You don’t have to talk to me about it if you really don’t want to, but I want to know because maybe I can help, you know?”

Caleb’s methodical brain was scrambling for a way out. A solution. It wasn’t long before his panic set in and instinct took over. “You..are the one person..who can’t help..” he begrudgingly let slip out, his voice audibly straining to keep the words inside. 

“What do you mean, Caleb? I’m pretty good with pe-” Jester stopped, having finally realized what Caleb was saying. Caleb started to tense up, his hand curling into a fist as he clenched his face. 

“Oh.” Was all Jester seemed to be able to say. Time was immaterial in that moment. Eventually, she pulled gently on his arm and led him back to the tree, his body now blankly following along with her whims. 

She sat him down and she sat next to him, still holding on to his arm, but the both of them in stunned silence. “So...like, for how long..?”

Caleb gulped. “Since Roshona. After the Scourger. I think.” 

Jester nodded. “Ok.” Her grip tightened around his arm. “Were you ever going to say anything?”

Caleb let out a tense laugh. “I was trying not to.”

Jester nodded again. “That makes a lot more sense. I thought you might be mad that I rearranged your component pouches.”

“That was you? Of course it was. No, I wasn’t mad, it didn’t take long to fix.”

Jester chuckled. “Then it was a pretty bad prank I guess.”

Caleb nodded, his mind having finally overloaded, now gone completely blank. 

Jester leaned her head on his shoulder, sending his heart into panic mode once again. “Why weren’t you going to say anything? Were you afraid I’d say no?”

Caleb hesitated, trying to choose his words carefully. “I...was more afraid you’d say yes.” Caleb started to sob. “I am not a good person.”

Jester nuzzled into him, her grip tightening around his arm as her hand traced downwards, wrapping around his hand. “I know you think that about yourself, Caleb, but I don’t think any of us think that. If you think you don’t deserve to feel love, I know that much is wrong. You deserve to feel love, Caleb.”

Caleb scoffed a bit. “I do not think so, but agree to disagree, I suppose.” 

“Caleb,” Jester sighed out, so full of concern and caring that Caleb might have fallen for her all over again in that moment. “Why are you so sure that it would be bad for me to say yes?”

“I just don’t think I can make you as happy as you deserve. I have all these things in my head and I am callous and evil and-”

“Ok, so first off, you already make me so happy, so that’s dumb. Second, clearly, I am one of those things in your head, which is so so sweet, and third, you are a little bit anxious and, uh, how did Mama put it? ‘Lacking in social graces,’ I think. But you are not an evil person, Caleb. Evil people are selfish. An evil person would want me regardless of how I felt about it.”

She reached up to touch Caleb’s face. “But you tried to keep yourself away because you thought it would be bad for me. That doesn’t strike you as particularly evil, does it?”

Caleb always had a hard time arguing with Jester’s special brand of logic, and this time, he found it impossible to even say a word in protest. He opened his mouth to attempt a rebuttal, but just gasped outwardly. 

Jester, having finally met his eyes with hers, smiled at him warmly, her face having the lightest bit of flush to it. “Caleb, I’ll be honest, I don’t know how I feel about this. I love you dearly, but I don’t know exactly how, yet, you know? I didn’t think I was an option for you, so I never made you an option for me, you know?”

Jester kept speaking, her blush overtaking her face. Caleb watched her lips move, his mind torn in two. Both imagining what it would be like to kiss her and telling himself that he never could. 

“But...I mean...I think it could be nice, you know. You are sweet and kind and funny and so so smart. And you have supported the Traveler since the beginning, so I know he likes you. He basically said so when I talked to him last.” 

Caleb closed his mouth, sure he would soon pass out from his heart thumping this strongly for this long. “So let me give it some thought, ok? I am going to decide for myself.” Jester beamed at him, then put on a mocking scowl. “And I don’t want to hear another word about how you don’t deserve me or that you’re bad for me or anything like that, you understand? I’m gonna decide. Now nod yes.”

Caleb could only nod, his mind totally shattered to pieces. Jester’s face returned to a smile. “Good, i’m glad we got that settled and we’re on the same page. Now, also no more ignoring me. I’m sad when you aren’t here with me, you know.” At that, Caleb’s heart lept up a little bit. “And with Traveler Con coming up, I’m gonna be bugging you about lots of pranks and stuff, and working out a performance with you guys and..”

Caleb listened, but his thoughts were now elsewhere as Jester stood him up and walked him back to the group, ready to eat lunch with the rest of them. Suddenly, it felt a lot easier to hope. To let himself bask in the warm glow that Jester seemed to emanate. He let himself smirk. 

Maybe Yasha was right. Maybe it wasn’t too late for him.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to keep adding to this, but for some reason I can't bring myself to break Canon too much before I get fed more. So if you want more, pray for Liam and Laura to follow through. Traveler knows I will be.


End file.
